This is hilarious!
How to successfully prosecute a Murder Case in Riverside County:
Step 1. Investigate the murder scene with mediocre personnel. (Don’t worry if you miss big details. This can be fixed in post production.) Clues can be overlooked. Evidence doesn’t win a case. A good fabricated story wins a case. We can explore this when we create a timeline without evidence. Don’t send A team personnel: Pinyon Pines is a long drive from the valley floor and we don’t want our seasoned investigators to be tied up with commute times, not to mention the paperwork.
Step 2. Investigate all leads no matter how much leg work is required. Strike that. Refer to Step 1. We can’t spend man hours probing all available leads. Put some leads into a hat, mix them up real good. Pick one to focus on…on second thought, let’s go with two. (Please note: if you have a child that could be considered a possible lead, please remove their names from the hat. We should also look for any law enforcement children’s names as well. As a professional courtesy we should remove their names also.)
Step 3. If suspected leads should provide credible alibi, under no circumstances follow up said alibi. We’re trying to create a case here people. If in fact you must follow up on an alibi, please wait until such a time that the credible evidence is no longer present. This goes for security footage, receipts, or any thing else which might provide proof to alibi. There is no need to talk to the other parties for said alibi. These notes and extra paperwork just cloud the point we intend to make down the road.
Step 4. Let the case go cold for an unspecified amount of time. This is our poker chip. We can decide when we need to cash that in. Election time is always a preferred time to use such a chip.
Step 5. Let’s get a Grand Jury! Follow all procedures accordingly. (We’re on Camera people.)
Step 6. Damn it Paul! OK, OK. Let’s not beat ourselves up too much over this. The press will believe anything we tell them. We will wait for a new DA down the road. That way, it will look more legitimate with some new blood taking over.
Step 7. Yea! We got ‘em again! Now it’s very important to not mess this up. It will look like amateur hour again. We need to assign a prosecutor who can be very animated. (Jury’s dig this sort of thing. It always tests very well.) Don’t forget to mention Vans shoes. Only young people wear those shoes. That’s the line I want drilled into the Jury. (I don’t care if we all own a pair.)
Step 8. Guys! I hear you. Facts are important. We’ve been through this before. Facts and evidence don’t win a case. It only matters what story we want to tell the jury. A good tactic is to create a timeline. (Use your imagination. Let it run wild.) Now, when you think no one is paying attention, shuffle that timeline around. It will keep people on their toes. The jury will begin to doubt their own beliefs on the case. Confusion always works for the prosecution. It throws them off the scent of reasonable doubt. “The criminals are sitting in this court room, they must be guilty. They’re clearly under arrest. Innocent people can’t get arrested.” This is the narrative we need to use.
Step 9. Get a Judge that owe’s us one. I want to make sure we have all our ducks in a row.
Step 10. Lastly, whatever we do, I don’t want people thinking we’re animals. (It just really hurts my feelings.) If they think we’re animals, simply position yourself close to the victims’ families. It’s a tried and true method to inspire anger in our opposition. We’re playing up to our base hear. It may just help swing some votes our way down the road. Couldn’t hurt. Also, don’t worry about who this may hurt. The justice system was designed with failsafes should we have gotten anything wrong. That’s what the appeals process is all about. The benefit here is that it will no longer be our problem. We did our jobs as far as everyone is concerned.
PLEASE DESTROY THIS LETTER AFTER READING. IT COULD BE AWKWARD FOR THE COUNTY SHOULD THIS BE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.
(Editor’s note: Found this out on the interwebs after the Pinyon Pines Murders sentencing. Love it! For you people with no sense of humor: it is satire…I think!)